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April 05, 2006
Darwin Awards, Ventura County edition
I've got a favorite Darwin Awards-worthy story, one that never made the national media (but it should have). Before I tell it, a local event made the AP and the networks.
VENTURA, Calif. — A teacher who kept a 40 mm shell on his desk as a paperweight blew off part of his hand when he apparently used the object to try to squash a bug, authorities say.
The 5-inch-long shell exploded Monday while Robert Colla was teaching 20 to 25 students at an adult education class.
Part of Colla's right hand was severed and he suffered severe burns and minor shrapnel wounds to his forearms and torso, fire Capt. Tom Weinell said. No one else was injured. He was reported in stable condition at a hospital.
The teacher slammed the shell down in an attempt to kill something that was buzzing or crawling across the desk, said Fire Marshal Glen Albright.
Colla found the 40 mm round while hunting years ago and "obviously he didn't think the round was live," said Dennis Huston, who teaches computer design alongside Colla.
Using explosives as a flyswatter. Not smart.
When you find a round -- whether it's a .38 or a 40mm -- if the casing still has (1) the primer; and (2) the projectile, the only logical, safe and non-idiotarian conclusion to be drawn is that it's still a LIVE round.
This guy is a teacher.
Perfect.
Now, my tale of award-winning stupidity.
Back in the early '90s, I was working at a newspaper in New Jersey as the day news editor. Come Fourth of July, the reports started coming in over the police scanners of the latest proof that booze and explosives were not a good mix.
The all-time best I'm-A-Yankee-Doodle-Jackass tale involved an M-80 firecracker, a case of cheap beer, and a fool with all his body parts -- at least at the time he started drinking.
This guy thought it would be fun to light M-80s and toss them into Lake Mohawk, using his lightning-quick reflexes to throw the explosives before they made a pretty flash and a big BANG.
About three-quarters of a case of beer later (and three sheets to the wind), Chumley's reflexes were dulled, along with the limited neurological activity in his tiny little pea brain, and he decided he try and cut it closer with the bomb tossing, 'cause it was just too easy to light the fuse and throw right away.
As you may have guessed, he ended up holding on just a wee bit too long, and one M-80 went off while it was still tightly clenched in his fist.
Blowing off all his fingers and his thumb, too, in a gore-soaked version of a "flower-petal" aerial firework display.
You don't think we're done yet, do you?
The four fingers and the thumb shot off in five different directions, traveling at high speeds, riding the shock wave created by nearly a quarter-stick of dynamite. The thumb and three of the four fingers disappeared into the lake, landing with a SPLISH! (thumb) SPLASH! (middle finger) KERPLUNK! (ring finger) and BLIP! (pinkie), but the forefinger flew a short distance in the opposite direction -- and poked the fellow's eye out.
There was no warning label on the can!
I hold Budweiser responsible.
Given that my mother always cautioned against various activities as being likely to "poke someone's eye out!" I've always wondered about three things. How did she miss "Don't get snockered and play with explosives!" and "Don't kill bugs with artillery rounds!"
And does this mean that her warnings to stop making faces because it could get stuck that way were based on a real risk?
Nahh.
Posted by Mike Lief at April 5, 2006 08:00 AM
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Comments
Details on our genius teacher's innovative method of explosive ordnance disposal are slim.
We don't know exactly what sort of ordnance he had, beyond its being a 40 mm round. But it bears noting that the most common 40mm rounds are those designed to be launched from the M203 (mounted to the underside of an M16)and M79 grenade launchers (used to great effect in Apocalypse Now), which come in various flavors, including high-explosive, buckshot, flechette, and illumination (parachute flares).
The high-explosive "forty mike-mike" rounds are grenades with a 5-meter kill radius. So kids, make sure you sit in the back of the class.
Posted by: LT at April 6, 2006 08:55 AM