December 12, 2007
Tales from the ER
Spent some time in the hospital recently (don't worry; I'm not going anywhere anytime soon), including about 10 hours in the ER, laying on a gurney, hooked up to a variety of machines, including the one that goes PING!
There were curtains on tracks hanging from the ceiling to give me and the other patients a little privacy, although not from anyone within earshot; I listened to all the commotion going on around me.
The guy to my left sounded like he was hacking up a lung (or two); the wet, rattling, phlegmy coughs made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
Eventually he quieted down; whether they took him to a private room or the morgue I cannot say, but I think he was more likely fit for the latter than the former.
To my right was an interesting fellow, a parolee and thirty-year drug abuser. He'd gotten out of prison recently and was eager to recount how difficult it had been to get his many different drugs -- the legal ones -- while he was incarcerated. I listened to the conversation he had with his MD.
"Sir, do you use any recreational drugs?"
"Uh, yeah. Cocaine, heroin, and meth."
"When was the last time you used?"
"Uh, I been clean a week now."
"Sir, it's very important that you don't use cocaine; mixing atenolol -- your blood pressure medication -- with cocaine could cause cardiac arrest. It could kill you. Do you understand?"
"Uh, yeah, don't mix atenolol and cocaine."
"You take atenolol twice daily; if you use cocaine with it the results could be lethal."
"Yeah, okay, I understand, no cocaine."
Satisfied that she'd gotten through to her patient, the doctor left.
A moment later I heard the guy ask the nurse a question.
"Hey, can I stop taking atenolol, just for the weekend?"
Sounds like he had big plans for Saturday night. Wouldn't want to let hypertension, a weak heart and the drug needed to keep the Grim Reaper at bay come between you and some whack crack cocaine, would ya?
Nahhh.
A little while later all the medical professionals had left the area, and I was laying quietly, wondering when I'd be able to go home.
From the other side of the curtain I heard the parolee clear his throat.
"Hey, neighbor!" he said.
I looked around, wondering if there was any chance he was talking to someone else.
Nope, just me.
Hmmm. Given my line of work, I don't often engage in small talk with fellows fresh out of prison; rather, I usually take their guilty pleas and ask them if they understand the rights they're giving up before they get sent to the slam.
"Hey, neighbor!" he said again, a little louder.
Sigh.
"Yeah," I replied.
"How you doin'?" he asked.
"Not great," I replied.
"Me neither," he said.
He lowered his voice.
"What are you in for?"
" 'What am I in for?' I've seen this episode of Prison Break," I thought to myself.
Dusty the nurse arrived just then, to announce that my chatty friend now had a bed upstairs, cutting short our newly-found friendship.
But with the good came the bad. Unfortunately, my doctor was back.
And he was pulling on a rubber glove.
Aw, crap.
Posted by Mike Lief at December 12, 2007 10:00 PM
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Comments
Funny!
Posted by: Thin Ice, Sr. at December 13, 2007 05:51 AM
I guess you got paroled, eh homie? It's cool.......
Posted by: Neighbor at December 13, 2007 11:42 AM
Hey! That was me, last New Years eve! Along with the passing of the old year, so did a kidney stone. The old "two-finger exam". Gotta love it!
Hope you feel better.
Posted by: sonarman at December 13, 2007 06:26 PM