March 10, 2008
But was it any good?
I'm pretty sure Dustin Knowles -- the head blogger at Pajiba! -- doesn't like the new Martin Lawrence movie.
Why would God even invent movies?! Why! Why! Why! (*pout pout pout*) The Supreme Being is one mighty sick f*@k — if he is all powerful, would somebody please explain to me why he’d use that power to create a medium for which Satan’s minions could mentally torture us en masse.
Donny Osmond and Martin Lawrence — in the same movie! This is Adam’s fault, isn’t it? That motherf*@ker bit the apple, and this how God punishes us ... Throw me into eternity’s bonfire and stick a spiked poker up my ass; make me gargle a volcano’s ejaculate; force me to watch “The View” on endless repeat (the Rosie O’Donnel version, even) just don’t ever make me experience College Road Trip again.
I need a brain douche; squirt some boiling vinegar and antiseptic into my ear; inject Scrub n’ Bubbles through my nasal cavity, anything, God anything to cleanse my mind of what I’ve just witnessed.
I don’t think I’ve quite captured my hatred for College Road Trip. I don’t think there are enough synonyms for hate in the thesaurus (loathe and execrate are powerlessly weak up against the force of my indescribable disdain). I feel as though I’ve just had my urethra jerked out and pulled over my face.
Granted, I am a critic who is given to hyperbole on occasion, but I like to think that relative to others in my profession, I’m spare with superlatives. But, I’ve seen an incredible amount of family films; both me and my alter ego have reviewed most of Martin Lawrence’s movies over the past four years (sure, I didn’t actually watch one of them), and I can safely say: This is not only the worst Lawrence film I’ve suffered through, but it may be the worst family film I’ve ever suffered through in my whole goddamn increasingly miserable life — College Road Trip actually made me long for the simple atrociousness of Ice Cube, Vin Diesel, Tim Allen, and Eddie Murphy family flicks; at least with those, I could articulate my contempt.
But this … this abomination … this monstrosity … this aborted love child of Godzilla and a skyscraper of excrement was just …
Like I said, I've got a sneaking suspicion he's not a big Martin Lawrence fan. But then again, I could be wrong; maybe it's a case of being ashamed of how much he really likes the "actor" and his latest piece of cinematic magic.
Nah.
Posted by Mike Lief at March 10, 2008 09:03 PM
| TrackBack