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April 21, 2004

The Taxpayers Ought to Sue

So, I spent Tuesday morning attending a four-hour session, mandated by the County, to learn about how to prevent workplace discrimination. It was very informative, and I'm a better person for it.

I now know that it's wrong to look at my co-workers.

I must not curse.

I must leave my emotions at the office door.

I must not EVER touch my colleagues -- with the exception of a very professional handshake; firm, brisk, not moist, and definitely without any palm tickling.

It was, quite possibly, the biggest waste of time in the history of human civilization. We began by listening to a lecture on how gender-based lawsuits against the cops began. The instructor told us that police departments required applicants to be at least 5-feet, eight-inches tall, weighing at least 140 pounds.

She then asked us who this requirement excluded.

I answered, "Midgets."

She looked disappointed as she explained to me that, yes, that's correct, but we call them Little People now.

Well, how do you tell midgets from dwarves, then?

Anyhow, it was a horror show, a graphic demonstration of the havoc wrought upon the workplace by the courts. The worst of the worst was the discussion of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Our "facilitator" told us that alcoholics are protected from workplace discrimination.

Alcoholism is in the DSM-IV, so it's a Disability, donchaknow? Unfortunately, so's pedophilia, drug addiction and necrophilia. After listening attentively, I'm pretty sure the County needs to provide a nice quiet place for junkies to go on the nod after shooting up in their cubicle.

Of course, that cubicle better not have a Snap-On Tools calendar or a copy of the Bible laying around, 'cause that could create a hostile work environment.

Did I mention the school employee who was told to either remove her crucifix or hide it beneath her clothes?

As Socrates said, "I shit you not."

We finished this mess by watching a video about the proper way to act in the workplace. I don't know how other groups reacted, but we yelled out the answers to the multiple-choice quiz in the tape, consistently picking the insensitive answers, hooting and hollering as we mocked the morons stuck acting out these idiotic skits.

Madame Instructress was not amused.

Good thing the County's not experiencing a fiscal crisis and laying off workers. If that were true, they'd never be able to afford the cost of multiple sessions run by private consultants and the loss of manhours -- er, peoplehours -- to the taxpayers.

It's a wonder anyone bothers to run a business.

Posted by Mike Lief at April 21, 2004 09:35 PM | TrackBack